I\u2019m tired\u2026I\u2019m tired of days like these\u2026I\u2019m tired of forgetting what weekday it is, over and over and over again\u2026I\u2019m tired of treading water\u2026desperately trying to stay afloat\u2026 even though I know that I will drown\u2026crash\u2026and be useless for a day\u2026days\u2026maybe a week, who knows? I\u2019m tired of shit never changing and the inconsistency thereof\u2026I\u2019m shit tired of believing\u2026 I\u2019ll say it again\u2026believing, that everything will be fine and that there will not be a next time\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Conversations with my specialists and Doctors go something like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When will things be back to normal?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Never. This is your new normal. Accept it\u2026<\/em><\/span>(<\/em>Ironic and I laugh at the idiots complaining about a little face mask and distancing \u2013 idiot)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Will it get better? Just\u2026that I am not like th\u00eds\u2026I don\u2019t know what th\u00eds is (vaguely gesturing to my head), or how to explain it\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, it will improve, just give it time\u2026be patient.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n When? How long? Days? (in the beginning) Months (in the first year) Years? (after 5 years)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Well\u2026it\u2019s different for everybody and never the same\u2026could be months, could be 5 years, could be 25. It\u2019s a process\u2026<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n It doesn\u2019t make sense! Why did I function the day before yesterday and today I\u2019m totally fucked, and experience tells me, I will be fucked for a couple of days, Why????<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Could be that you did not rest when you should have\u2026could be emotional stress\u2026could be doing something out of your routine, causing anxiety etc. We won\u2019t be able to say\u2026<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Seriously? Do they even hear me? I said I am fucked\u2026battling to remember simple things, simple words, making supper\u2026battling with everything and when I crash, I\u2019m worse and can\u2019t manage for days. Everything will be fine\u2026as long as you rest when needed (multiple times a day), avoid stress or anything that cause emotional turmoil or put too much strain on your brain\u2026In short, be a corpse. Most Doctors (no offence to South Africa, but especially here) don\u2019t even grasp the impact of brain damage and neuro fatigue. We have 2 neuro Optometrist in the whole of South Africa and a handful (less than 5) Neurological psychiatrists. It\u2019s an expensive, timeous process of searching to find the right specialist. Doctors are always amazed when they read my medical files and realise that the one, they are reading about, is sitting in front of them, having a normal conversation. Still, most of these learned individuals still do not realise that a brain also keeps scars, just like any other part of your body, even if I can sit there and talk coherently, I still cannot function normally\u2026If it’s so difficult for a Doctor to comprehend this, imagine the frustration and agitation to explain to a normie\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I can hear you already\u2026Don\u2019t\u2026don\u2019t you dare say it!!! If you are about to say \u201cI also feel like that sometimes\u2026I also forget\u2026it happens as you get older\u2026\u201d<\/em> I. AM. GOING. TO. KNOCK. YOUR. FUCKING. TEETH. OUT!!!<\/strong> I know I\u2019m rambling; I know I\u2019m ranting, but I\u2019m tired\u2026frustrated and pissed off. But mostly I am tired of the sad, crushing realisation \u2013 every \u2013 single – time, that I am indeed not<\/u><\/em> capable, that I do<\/u><\/em> need to rest and that any stress <\/em><\/span>(emotional or otherwise) drains me more<\/em>\u2026Getting enough rest and always avoiding tress fools me into thinking I am fine and that I can handle it. Every time I will crash and realize I am not fine. I will never be fine. I will always be recovering. This is my<\/em> normal\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, the next time you want to bitch about the \u2018new normal\u2019, remember your normal could have been worse. Be grateful to be thankful. Always.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019m tired\u2026I\u2019m tired of days like these\u2026I\u2019m tired of forgetting what weekday it is, over and over and over again\u2026I\u2019m tired of treading water\u2026desperately trying to stay afloat\u2026 even though I know that I will drown\u2026crash\u2026and be useless for a day\u2026days\u2026maybe a week, who knows? I\u2019m tired of shit never changing and the inconsistency thereof\u2026I\u2019m […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2089,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"pagelayer_contact_templates":[],"_pagelayer_content":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-800","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-consequences-of-that-night","category-ramblings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/800","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=800"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/800\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2090,"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/800\/revisions\/2090"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2089"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=800"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=800"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ramblingrabbit.co.za\/di\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=800"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}