So, I’m at peace tonight. Sort of… kinda… Well let’s say – as happy as I am able to be! MotherTrucker!!! I have created, published and deleted in annoying proportions the past weeks! I now consider myself at an intermediate level in creating blogs🤣
Simple things like this, creating a blog and writing again, has the ability to make me feel of value. Useful. I know it sound’s silly, but allow me to explain. My days, the past few years, consists of waking up, dropping the kids at school, resting, cleaning the house (I suck at it and will never get a Housewive of the Year award…) and you guessed it… picking up the kids from school again! It sounds so simple, but I’ll have you know, that all tasks has to be broken up into smaller portions with enough rest breaks in between each portion, altering between light and heavy duties…ok, you’re right, it still sounds pretty simple.
And now I feel like I am just making excuses, trying to justify my laziness…and THAT is exactly why it has taken me so long to get to this point, where I can create this blog! My own denial because of the stigma created by society’s general idea of what a brain injury should look like🤤 It literally took me nearly 4 years to accept my… limitations and to find a way to work around it. For example I will start my daily chores, by making the bed(light duty) followed by resting. Then a heavy duty like cleaning the kitchen, resting again, then dusting (light), resting, sweeping(heavy)… You get the idea. The catch is that as the day progress my energy gets less – even when doing nothing – Like sands through the hourglass, so are the levels of my energy…Urgh!! And I can just feel that some of you don’t get it. You see, that little knock on the head resulted in dead brain cells and erased neuro pathways, which means that the remaining grey fellas are working harder and getting tired and overloaded faster.
Think of my brain as an old, damaged cellular battery. It depletes quicker, needs to be charged for longer and more frequent and when I’m active (like playing a game on your phone) my battery depletes even faster! Worst is, if you use an old battery, before fully charged, you start the day with a 75% battery life, send a couple of messages, and before you know it – you are running on ‘critical low’ with a red-flashing, battery icon. On a phone, you don’t even need to ‘do’ something, just activating the screen takes energy….🤔mmmm, just like a brain would use energy to process images, sounds etc. Charging would be enough rest and sleep, but people with brain injuries, have difficulty maintaining healthy sleep patterns or reaching R.E.M. sleep. Yip, I only started dreaming again this year (15 times!) and even though they were confusing and upsetting, I was overjoyed. I’m glad they are coming back, I missed dreaming and reaching that final stage of sleep.
Anyway, by the time I fetch the kids at school, I am already running on a critical low and would rest for the whole afternoon, in order to be able to make supper… Exciting stuff, I know. You must be soooooo envious🙄 So, apologies for feeling so chaffed with myself, but creating this and feeling content (even pleased) with it, is a GIANT accomplishment for me. Hahaha haha… Creating a blog, just to share this accomplishment with an imaginary “cloud”, is sort of sad. But I am still feeling proud, happy and at peace💚
It’s been a long road and I can see it’s still a long stretch till I reach the end. Who knows, maybe it will only end one day, when I reach my grave…But today. Today, was a step forward. It may be a baby step….but still forward!
❤️