“And what is good, Phaedrus, And what is not good – Need we ask anyone to tell us these things?“
Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance – Robert M. Pirsig
I have difficulty at times, even years later, to accept who I am. On some days, like this morning, snippets of memories flood my head and I am overcome with sadness. Like a day filled with images of a passed loved one, and you wish you could just give them a call to hear their voice. She…I… used to love literature, and still do, but differently…I have difficulty to read, difficulty to remember names and characters, sometimes even whole chapters. Its hard just to follow the story, let alone analyse symbolism etc.
But let’s see the bright side💡 I did not lose my long-term memory, In fact, it seems to be better, more vivid and clear and believe me, I have a whole library in my head of literary masterpieces I’ve read! Fondly, I remember how overwhelmed and amazed I was after reading Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance! It was just…WOW! Ha-ha-ha-ha! I know right, hard to believe that I studied BA-Languages! (You gotta love Aphasia…my passion for languages still burns brightly though) I think of myself as the character Phaedrus in the book…no, not as smart or intelligent – Geez, I’m not that vain guys!
Phaedrus was a lost personality created, after the narrator had a psychotic breakdown. In the asylum he was treated with high-voltage shock transmissions, through the lobes of his brain. This deleted all memories of the author’s earlier self and led him to his understanding of the Classical vs. Romantic nature of people.
He argued that: “The classic style is straightforward, unadorned, unemotional, economical and carefully proportioned.… Everything is under control.” – I (the previous personality, not this one) hated this type and used to refer to them as cold, grey porridge…but I am not who I was anymore, and this is exactly who I am now! I used to be a full-on Romantic – “The romantic mode is primarily inspirational, imaginative, creative, intuïtive. Feelings rather than facts predominate…” But I am trying to unify the past romantic with the new classical and one day, I know I will…
And there you have it!! I started the first paragraph with low spirits. Feeling alone, sad, and close to start setting up the decorations for my pity party… and then I started typing, and now I still feel sad, but also lifted and even a little positive. I can honestly say that, I have experienced (truly felt and lived) both sides of these understandings. I realise we need art and science, logic & laws as well as intuition and feeling, mechanical instruction & maintenance manuals as well as poetry & novels. And I am grateful and privileged to know and accept truths, about them both.
I find it interesting in how I can so relate. It’s also interesting that a few of us have managed to find one another in the TBI Village. My long history of reading and writing and Taoism and Buddhism and finding where I am today with such an ongoing frustration comparing the new me to the old. From Catch 22 I recently had an Epiphany from the quote, “Do you know the difference between me and you? Me: Happy, happy, happy, dead. You: Worry, worry, worry, dead.” A reminder of, what is, just is. My frustration takes away and never adds. So I quit….. to a degree. I am what I fucking am.
I know! The Village is filled with so many like-minded souls yet thousands of miles apart! Catch 22! Another piece of literary brilliance and I would also rather be ‘happy,happy, happy, dead’. In fact my motto has been ‘it is what it is’ and I have been saying this as a mantra the past few years, especially when starting to feel mad or sad about my situation. But I love your perspective and find it inspiring. My mantra should change from ‘It is, what it is’ to – ‘I am, what I fucking am’ – I love it!
❤️