The past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot (Yes, it happens sometimes😏), I have grown so much in 5 years, that I feel overwhelmed, just thinking about it. The first two years, my focus was mainly on things,, most of you take for granted like: Learning to stand up, to walk, to climb stairs, to learn words, to see in 3 dimensions again….I cried blood, sweat blood, and ignored pain, just to get back to my girls again. When I finally did return home, there were some more fighting, more pushing, more pretending to be normal, just so that I can go back to work, work, work again…earn money and provide for my girls. Then….then I crashed, I was pushing myself too hard, refusing to see the danger signs. This set me back quite a bit, and I fell into a dark abyss, drowning in my self loathing, sorrow and stress….
I’ll be honest…this nearly killed me. I don’t remember much, only the desire to kill myself and get done with it. I was stuck in this black hole for quite some time, and it took nearly 2 years, before I was stable enough to focus on the rest of my healing. Two years of seeing therapists, neurologists, neuro-psychologists, neuro-optometrists, MRI’s, tests and even 2 weeks in a psychiatric day hospital, desperately chasing the magical medicine that will make me whole again. It’s only after a well respected neuro-psychologist asked me why am I so obsessed with getting back to work, that I realised I will never find that magic pill, I’m looking for. He said, I will never be able to work in a commercial work environment again, and I need to build skills to help me cope with my new life. Apparently, there was a whole lot more to still learn (other than just the basics). When you’ve had high right, frontal and subarachnoid haemorrhages, in your left Sylvian fissure, you loose some social skills as well, and act inappropriately in certain social situations,… finally, after 5 years, I could start focussing, on learning social skills and appropriate behaviour. Wouldn’t you know it…..this is by far, more difficult and complicated than learning to walk! Feelings, like love, joy, excitement etc was gone, and new neuro pathways had to be established.
How does one fall in love? Or feel again for that matter. And how does one handle that raw emotion again, that you last experienced in you teens? And that was sort of it. I needed to relearn my behaviour in all scenarios….exciting, scary and I completely out of my depth….. You might have guessed it by now, but I might be falling in love……I think…….well, I know that I am definitely falling though, fast and deep…. I feel like a stupid teenager, but also in awe and amazed to experience emotion again! To feel again. Fuck, To laugh again! Am I in love? Fuck yeah! Am I scared shitless? Fuck yeah! Will that stop me? Never! What if it doesn’t work out? I hope it does, but if it doesn’t, that’s also all right….I can fucking fall in love again, and who knows…..maybe even learn to love again! I can feel again! I never thought, that I would ever experience happiness again. I am learning, growing, healing….I think, I am not a rabbit anymore….. I mean, I can FEEL….and that’s pretty much human,…..isn’t it? So, since I was created, by broken shards, of the Queen of Hearts, I’m basically royalty. Since I’m starting to show real human qualities and becoming more human by the day, I might possibly fill my roll as Queen again! ….I am not reclaiming my title….not yet……I’ve decided to transform into a Paper-bag Princess for now ……but beware. Pretty soon I will be Queen of hearts…ruler of all rabbits, again..
So, welcome to the first official post of the Paper-Bag Princess! Let’s do this! One step closer and no longer searching for the Rabbit hole….but searching for my Kingdom!
