New Horizons

They say a change is as good as a holiday. So what do you say when it’s not necessarily a change but finally the freedom, to be who you are? It’s not really that you’re different, but just comfortable to express the parts you have kept hidden. And I can hear you guys going; “Aww, but that’s awesome…be true to thine self little rabbit….”🤔 I’m not sure being true to yourself is advisable when diagnosed with one mood disorder…one anxiety disorder…two personality disorders…and a family history of multiple Schizophrenic cases, of which your grandfather was the worst, spending 20 years in the Loony Bin….🙄

In my defense the mood, anxiety and one of the personality disorders are a result of that little knock on the head, I had 5 years ago…but the meds are not too bad…I’m sure my pharmacist is convinced I am a drug dealer…high dosage schedule 6 meds (what they use to cook meth) my chronic rat poison pills and of course pills to take because of the side effects from all the other pills…of course, the tattoos on my hand, wrist, neck etc. might give me a part as a convict in a movie but does nothing for my image as a good citizen🙄 Going to the pharmacy is always an expensive little shopping expedition and I’m sure that without medical aid, you will have to be a drug dealer to afford your medication…once again I’m grateful for a medical aid and my heart goes out to the millions of people in this country who simply can’t afford one and have to rely on state owned hospitals and clinics😥With a subarachnoid hemorrhage in my left sylvian feature and another hemorrhage in my high-right frontal lobe, my chances of survival was less than 50%. Of those that survive, less than 20% are able to function like I do…I might still have issues like switching off the stove, locking the doors etc. but I can live independently if it’s ever required – maybe without a stove (hey, but there are take-aways for that). I would love to take credit and say it’s because I’m a super-awesome genius with a high IQ and that’s why I recovered so well, but honestly, it’s because I had a good medical aid that could pay for the best hospitals, rehabilitation therapy and specialists (my hospital bill for 5 weeks were more than 1.5 million – and then I decided to stop counting) My medical aid is still paying for all my therapists, operations and medicine etc. 💰 I will forever be grateful for that.

Apologies if the following offends anyone, and I don’t want to sound like one of those holy, spiritual individuals, but I have always wondered why… Why me? I was a shitty individual and in the words of Trent Reznor…my moral standing was lying down. Surely, there must have been someone that night, that deserved saving, more than I did? Someone worthy of saving that would contribute to the good of humanity…not a 40 year old divorced absent mother, with unhealthy habits, no responsibility and addicted to her career. I think some higher divine entity made an oopsie and instead of sending a hearse, an ambulance pitched up…till this day we do not know who called the ambulance, and the emergency services have no records at all of an accident reported on that road or, any recording of a phone call, or that an ambulance was dispatched…even after I presented the documents the ambulance men signed and submitted when they dropped me off at ICU, the manager still said it’s impossible…The friend(?) travelling behind me on her motorcycle coincidently fell as soon as I fell, but only got a couple of scratches, and left the scene in a hurry (leaving me alone) to go and tell everyone about the accident. When asked why she left me all alone, she said it looked like I was dying, spluttering and gurgling blood…anyway, I’m rambling again, talking about stuff we “don’t talk about” being “brothers” and all…and again not getting to the point. Oh yes, I was wondering why I was saved. Maybe…highly unlikely, but maybe I am supposed to do something special, or at least try to do something that could be of worth to someone? Maybe I was saved to help someone who will end up doing something important. Let’s be honest…blogging will never change anything in the world. writing is a dying artform and I’m not a good writer at all. 😂

I finally decided to get off my ass and since I am not able to get back on the path I was on, choose a new road to follow into the future. I am going to find the purpose as to why I was spared. And wouldn’t you know it, by pure coincidence (nothing is random though😉) I found a therapy clinic for people with TBI (I’ve got 5 years experience!), providing free care to individuals who can’t afford medical aid! And they are using arts and crafts, not only to learn the members new skills, but also to aid with therapy and to build up new skills and confidence! Coincidently…I recently discovered I’m not too bad at art🙄 AND they are looking for volunteers and here I am not able to work but with loads of free time. I think I would be able to add something if I volunteer even if it’s just to listen and understand…Nothing is random friends, so I decided to embark on this road, no longer running away but actually following a path with an end goal on the horizon. That’s it! It’s not a change, but freedom! We all live our lives under the same sky but are free to choose our own horizon…my direction just changed.