I’m cautious of getting too excited, too soon…been there, done that…If you ascend too rapidly from the depths of neuro-fatigue, you will crash again, way worse than the first one…like a diver, the rise to the surface, has to be slow, taking regular decompression stops so that your body adjusts to the ambient pressure, gradually. Saying that, I still think there’s a lighter shade of darkness in the distance, which means I might be reaching the surface soon…idk I’m also not sleeping so it can go either way,
Oddly enough, being creative in any way keeps me calm when I’m experiencing this horrible fatigue – I know, I know – sounds like bullshit and I don’t know how it works…saying that I don’t know, also sounds like bull and add to stress because you have to justify why you feel so tired to a normie. When someone loses a leg and battle to climb a flight of stairs, well that makes sense, he has only one leg, so of course he is going to climb the stairs a bit differently and even slower! A brain though, sits in a skull and can not be seen with the naked eye (and if it is visible, you need to get to the ICU my friend!) Injuries to your brain manifest differently, for example – I am tired to the point that my words slur (and sound drunk), I can’t concentrate and confuse easily, battle with constant double vision (double vision my ass, I call it kaleidoscope eyes) and then of course the memory issues, or rather the absence thereof and so on…of course different for every individual because every brain is unique with it’s own neuro pathways. Mentally and physically wasted, and yet I can’t sleep. Battling to make a decent cup of coffee, but I can sit and fidget with paint, clay, stones etc. to create something. Maybe the colourful brush strokes when painting, or moulding the soft clay with my fingers, is a kind of mindless activity to soothe my brain? Who knows?🤷🏻♀️
Be patient, I’m getting to a point and there is a reason for the useless information above 😂 You see, I’m worried. The past two weeks has been…has been… and that is exactly how it was. Exploding migraines, blurred double vision, forgetting words, forgetting to turn off the stove. Generally just stumbling around in the dark messy halls of my mind…exhausted and about as useful as a chocolate firefighter👩🏻🚒…it seems to be getting better again and feels like I am surfacing, but anyone that’s familiar with this will tell you that we tend to overdo it, as soon as we start feeling better, just to crash again. So I hope, I really hope all will go well. I am seeing family on Saturday that I have not seen in years, some of them I saw over 15 years ago! and I am bursting with excitement🎉😁 I think I’m not being completely honest to you – or myself. I think the real reason why I’m worried, is because with time comes experience, you learn to recognise little tell-tale signs that warns you, Achtung! But I have to go Saturday, my family – one of the few links I have to my past and my parents, who have passed away over 20 years ago…
So I am taking it easy and caring for myself. The secret you see, is to act blasé about it, acting like its nothing special…When I was a little girl, I was convinced that I would jinx myself if I dared to get excited or look forward to an upcoming event. I was sure Fate hated my guts and would ruin it just to spite me…I suspect Fate still hates my guts, so I will be all nonchalant about this…you know…just casually strolling through life…whistling and minding my own business. Maybe Fate won’t notice me…wish me luck and send all your good vibes please💌