I’m tired…I’m tired of days like these…I’m tired of forgetting what weekday it is, over and over and over again…I’m tired of treading water…desperately trying to stay afloat… even though I know that I will drown…crash…and be useless for a day…days…maybe a week, who knows? I’m tired of shit never changing and the inconsistency thereof…I’m shit tired of believing… I’ll say it again…believing, that everything will be fine and that there will not be a next time…
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Conversations with my specialists and Doctors go something like this:
When will things be back to normal?
Never. This is your new normal. Accept it…(Ironic and I laugh at the idiots complaining about a little face mask and distancing – idiot)
Will it get better? Just…that I am not like thís…I don’t know what thís is (vaguely gesturing to my head), or how to explain it…
Of course, it will improve, just give it time…be patient.
When? How long? Days? (in the beginning) Months (in the first year) Years? (after 5 years)
Well…it’s different for everybody and never the same…could be months, could be 5 years, could be 25. It’s a process…
It doesn’t make sense! Why did I function the day before yesterday and today I’m totally fucked, and experience tells me, I will be fucked for a couple of days, Why????
Could be that you did not rest when you should have…could be emotional stress…could be doing something out of your routine, causing anxiety etc. We won’t be able to say…
Seriously? Do they even hear me? I said I am fucked…battling to remember simple things, simple words, making supper…battling with everything and when I crash, I’m worse and can’t manage for days. Everything will be fine…as long as you rest when needed (multiple times a day), avoid stress or anything that cause emotional turmoil or put too much strain on your brain…In short, be a corpse. Most Doctors (no offence to South Africa, but especially here) don’t even grasp the impact of brain damage and neuro fatigue. We have 2 neuro Optometrist in the whole of South Africa and a handful (less than 5) Neurological psychiatrists. It’s an expensive, timeous process of searching to find the right specialist. Doctors are always amazed when they read my medical files and realise that the one, they are reading about, is sitting in front of them, having a normal conversation. Still, most of these learned individuals still do not realise that a brain also keeps scars, just like any other part of your body, even if I can sit there and talk coherently, I still cannot function normally…If it’s so difficult for a Doctor to comprehend this, imagine the frustration and agitation to explain to a normie…
I can hear you already…Don’t…don’t you dare say it!!! If you are about to say “I also feel like that sometimes…I also forget…it happens as you get older…” I. AM. GOING. TO. KNOCK. YOUR. FUCKING. TEETH. OUT!!! I know I’m rambling; I know I’m ranting, but I’m tired…frustrated and pissed off. But mostly I am tired of the sad, crushing realisation – every – single – time, that I am indeed not capable, that I do need to rest and that any stress (emotional or otherwise) drains me more…Getting enough rest and always avoiding tress fools me into thinking I am fine and that I can handle it. Every time I will crash and realize I am not fine. I will never be fine. I will always be recovering. This is my normal…
So, the next time you want to bitch about the ‘new normal’, remember your normal could have been worse. Be grateful to be thankful. Always.
