Decisions…Decisions

I saw one of those Pop-psych, quasi inspirational, quotes today about choices…My problem is not with the actual quote but with the comment, the person who posted it made when posting. I agree though with the soothing pastel coloured little image’s actual words…You choose to be happy, thankful, blessed bla,bla,bla etc. Not easy, but doable…

The opinion posted with this inspirational wisdom though, is not always doable, no matter how determined you are in your choices…She said: “You choose what the next thought, comment or activity will be”…I don’t agree with that or rather, I choose not to agree with that? My next thoughts or comments depend and are chosen by the Serotonin and Dopamine levels in my brain, and I’m doing my best to help where I can; making sure I take my meds every day, resting enough and taking care of my fatigue levels etc. Believe me when I say, that it is not my choice and definitely not a way of living…but in order to be able to actually choose my thoughts and comments, I have to take the meds…The conundrum you see, is a hemorrhage still visible after 5 years and significant Atrophy in the frontal lobe of my brain. It is making being spontaneous and choosing, sort of difficult…even with the meds. In short, even if I take my meds, any stress (even if it is slamming on the brakes because a car cut you off) will cause those Serotonin and Dopamine levels to deplete faster and become unbalanced…influencing what I think and say significantly.

What was the other one? Oh….activity. I just laughed and laughed when I read that one…I’m joking of course. Frontal lobe damage has made me sort of not able to express emotion. Flat, monotone voice with a sort of deadpan manner – try telling a joke or being sarcastic with those qualities 😂 That’s why I prefer this blog, I can express myself better when it’s your voice reading it in your head. You see I would love to choose my activities, to have fun again, to learn how to laugh and love again. to do something with friends again but…I choose to be a person that my children will still be able to respect and love, and to do that, I have to not only take meds, but monitor my fatigue levels as well. Noise, colours, people, light and no skill or ability to filter them…all cause stress and then those levels drop in my head and the fatigue kicks in – and then I become a horrible person…not by my choice. Take this blog for instance: when I started it took me on average 10 to 12 hours to write a post, but I’m still doing it and can now post more regularly and it takes me about 4 to 5 hours. It helps my working memory, my focus and keep my brain active – because apart from memory, sight, speech, taste, smell, personality and expression, it also caused a healthy dose of ADD and OCD. Yay, because you know…it’s my choice to be happy and excited…🙄

If you’re reading this and you understand exactly because you know that choosing is a tricky concept…I want to say to you – don’t let the normie popular psych shit get you down. So sometimes, a guy wants to pick his nose with his index finger, but his arms were amputated or a girl would love to feel the mud squishing between her toes, but se lost her legs. Sometimes you would love to chat and laugh with a friend, drinking a cappuccino at the coffee shop, but you can’t because your brain works differently…But on quiet nights when lying alone in the dark, I can hear the patter of rain outside…and I love the rain! You know what? No matter all the shit of the my abilities to choose, I can choose to be grateful that I am alive. grateful that I can still hear the rain, grateful that I can feel thankful for it💚