Where are you now?

These shallow waters, never met what I needed
I’m letting go, A deeper dive
Eternal silence of the sea, I’m breathing
Alive

Alan Walker

You think? Did you finally find that silence you were looking for in the eternal sea beyond? I wonder….You’re wrong about one thing though….You, are not breathing and the only thing alive about you are the memories you left behind. Memories that are slowly washing away in these ‘shallow waters’ you tried to escape……You see, the memories you left behind, are exactly just that….memories. Images and sounds connected to a location or activity..

A while ago, a friend commented that there are different types of memory. Some are actual memories (like I mentioned above) and others are more of an impression you left behind on the world. It’s not one specific memory per se, but the way your personality, demeanour and uniqueness, changed and imprinted on people around you. It is a conglomerate of all the memories about who you were, your core and the essence of your soul….Like my mother for example. She was a kind, soft sensitive soul with no bias and extremely fair. Would I immediately be able to tell you an exact time or moment that remind me of those qualities? No…..not immediately. But I’m sure I would be able to after digging around in my memories of her.. And that’s what I’m saying…..It’s not a specific memory but rather all the qualities that radiated from her soul so brightly creating an aura around her. I had the privilege to breath this in every day. I’m sure that’s were my empathetic and fair traits come from….she had an impact on my life….no, not my life, but my being and who I am today.

Tonight is a special night for us…..an anniversary….or a memorial of sorts? I honestly don’t think I’ll ever know for sure. The 22nd of December, a Tuesday, like tonight, I lost you forever. After five years, I know you will never be back and I’m at peace with that. I feel sad for you in a way….I envied you before, but now I realise you will always be a memory. I want to be more than a memory. I want to be an impact…..a force that will be remembered for who I am. You royally fucked me on that one, making sure that the time in which I have to do this, is shortened significantly. Not only did you leave me flouncing in shallow water, but you robbed my memory, my skills and shackled my tongue so that I would forget words. I think you did not realise how strong we were and you did not think I would be left behind, facing all this shit alone.. I’m sure you thought, you took everything with you that night but did not realise that our core values would remain with me….

You let go and dove deeper, marvelling about how ‘alive‘ you felt. It’s ironic and in true Karma style. You took away so much when you left. You took my memory, my ambition, my ability to feel, to learn, to dance, to sing…..to laugh. But the will to fight, to live…..the warrior in me remained. That strong soul, hard and rough from dealing with years of shit in my life….chose to remain. My core, my inner being…….who I am….. did not die with you that night, but stayed. While you fade away….I will make an impact…..

Tonight, I honour and remember us, but also celebrate what remained and the new in me.