Psychedelic Baby!

After weeks of silence, I am going to try and find my voice….again. Fingers crossed! Idk….seems like something’s missing….some sort of vital ingredient needed for writing or being creative….I’ve been struggling to form thoughts and ideas into words, to express beauty with the stroke of a paintbrush, or to create something weird and funky with bits and bobs. Could it be that my Mojo is missing? I think that’s it! Crikey! I lost my Mojo! Not stolen, like Austin Powers Mojo was stolen by the conniving Dr Evil…..but just not with me anymore. At first I thought, it might have ran away, scared of all the crazy shit happening in my life the past couple of weeks….but I’m pretty sure it’s just hiding somewhere close by.

Like I said, the past couple of weeks has been the…..well, the best way to describe it is; think of the scariest, most exciting, absolutely worst, roller coaster ride, you’ve ever been on. Jip. That sound’s exactly how the past month has been for me. My plans hopped around between moving, not moving, moving again, cancelling rental contracts, finding a new location, new contracts, moving again….sheesh, and this is just me finding a spot to live! I’m not even mentioning the packing, unpacking, selling stuff, buying new stuff, breaking up, making up…..just an insane couple of weeks! My poor bunny even tried to escape 3 times already, for the first time in his life! This morning he came into the new house voluntarily, munched some pellets, sipped some water, sniffed the curtains(soon to be ex-curtains with chewed holes in them I guess…) and turned to look at me before he hopped out again, as if to say….I now approve of the new living quarters.

Eventually, I am starting to feel more comfortable in my surroundings and dare I say, at home. I have not been able to do one creative thing for so long, and sadly thought my Mojo was gone forever. Now that everything is returning back to normal (well….my version of normal at least), I can hear the faint whisper of my Mojo calling to me again…I can feel the tingling in my fingers, when touching a paint brush or typing on my keyboard, For the first time in ages, I feel hopeful again….maybe my life is not yet wasted, useless and over, and I even caught myself the other night, thinking I don’t want to die, I want more time to enjoy this….happiness? Can you believe it?! After nearly 6 years of floating around, aimlessly in a Twilight Zone, I finally feel more at peace. I’ll even admit that I’m starting to like some characteristics of the new, broken me! I can see the beautiful colours blending in the sunrise or sunset, appreciate the perky chirping of birds in the morning and just feel…no really…FEEL again! It’s a process and I’m not going to rush it. Bit by bit it’s getting better? I think “recovering” from brain injury after a year or two, is not recovering, but acceptance of your new limitations and learning how to cope with it.

That’s why I appreciate the support and love from my two beautiful daughters, even though I know it’s difficult for them and they sometimes struggle to disguise their disappointment in their mother. I see it in their eyes and it breaks my heart! I wish they could feel the change in me, like I do. I remember when I once had to attend group therapy and the one guy was there because he was emotionally damaged by his father’s TBI….it became a bit awkward after it was my turn and I had to say, I’m there to learn how to accept my TBI. But I remember still thinking, I don’t want my daughters to end up in therapy one day, because of my TBI.

I guess all I’m trying to say is that I found my Mojo again….and I didn’t even need to travel back to 1969! Who cares about swag! I’ve got Mojo baby! Yeah baby, yeah!