Through The Looking Glass

So it’s official – I suck at maintaining a relationship. In my defense though – I seem to be a magnet, attracting…..wait. I was going to say that I attract all the psycho, good-for-nothing narcissists, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot the past couple of weeks and I think I might be the…….not problem per se…..but maybe a bit of a narcissist myself? Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I might just be a spoiled brat, with some hints of insanity….

Ja….no, I don’t think that’s it. Overall, I think I’m quite pleasant…..well not pleasant maybe, just misunderstood. You see I am strong willed (not stubborn), assertive and in control of my life (not a a bitchy, psycho control freak) and of course I’m passionate about about …..well, things that I’m passionate about (and not just bat-shit-crazy). The ex-boyfriends obviously do not experience life the same way I do. But where, oh where the fuck, do I find an opposite sex (because I sort of like male genitalia more than the female version), that experience life the same as I do? Who value and love the same mediocre (sometimes sombre, crazy) shit, I do. Strong personality (stronger than mine), with enough respect not to control or overshadow me.

And yet, I think I’m sort of not completely honest with myself….when I dig a little deeper, past all the failed relationships, I have come to the conclusion that I have a fear of being alone. I hate being alone. I hate not being hugged at night and waking up, only to my dachshund’s stare (although I love her little soulful, brown eyes to bits!) in the morning. I need to be loved….I need to love….ah see, and that’s where that little voice starts whispering softly in my head, telling me not to be an idiot and to start acting my age….love and that shit does not exist and that I’m setting myself up! That I will be used and thrown away like a piece of rubbish, as soon as a better supplier pitch up….

My friend visited last week and vowed that she is going to search for a decent vibrator as a birthday present…..According to her (and my ex) this is all I basically need, a penis, because face it, my taste in the male species suck (her words) So I’ve decided to put myself on a sabbatical, get a hardhat (preferably purple) and an emotional shovel, and start digging as deep as possible, into my psyche…fuck….just imagine I find I’ve been the narcissist all along….