I’ve always had these dark, mysterious, evil little devils living inside my head…. Little gremlins. Even before my accident… They diagnosed it as Borderline Personality disorder and I adjusted my life accordingly, learned to control it and functioned like a normal person….well, sort of, but I was a functioning Borderline and that’s what kept me sane all these years. I acted and behaved as a normie, with an almost a supernatural will and self control. Self control, was the secret to be a functioning Borderline in society.
The accident did however, screw around with my coping techniques, leaving me with a jumbled mess of raw, crazy emotions, thoughts, feelings and anger….so much anger (plus a few extra TBI abnormalities…) And all of a sudden, I was back in my teenage years, trying to keep calm and act normal….It seems, I’ve lost my self control and the always present Gremlins, were suddenly visible again, telling me how worthless I am…… Recently, someone (who’s getting real close to me), made me aware of my specific behaviours, moods, beliefs… (my Crazy?) and suggested that I try to change the way I think about certain things, especially thoughts about myself and my worth….well, that might work, if they really were just thoughts and not pesky little vermin, interrupting every single thought, spewing their sinister remarks….sometimes, interrupting my thoughts loudly and rudely….no…I’m not crazy, just living a life, with screwed emotional borders, attaching nearly instantly to other people, just to experience crazy abandonment fears, that fuel inappropriate anger, reckless impulsiveness and mood swings bouncing from one extreme to another. Most of this is caused by the Gremlins inside my head, telling me I’m not of worth and that others will eventually abandon me as soon as they realize, or that they are in fact only using me for their own gains, and will also abandon me, once they get, what they want….leaving me alone and getting what I deserve…..
I’m trying…I’m really trying to change my thought patterns, but how does someone, who is 45 years old, do that? How does anyone, for that matter, manage to ‘cure’ a personality disorder, that formed while your personality was forming….growing in an around the person you are? Is it even possible? I’m willing to try, but it’s been a part of my life, since I can remember…my whole past was ruled by control…. Keeping the Gremlins hidden, turned me into a tough, no nonsense, cold, hard bitch, that also justified my anger and crazy mood swings. Now, I’m battling the same things again, but this time I can’t use the same techniques to hide it…ah, and the whispers in my head says, that I’m doing this for a special guy, and my whole history consists of unhealthy, destructive relationships, with partners, that just used and damaged me….so what makes me think that this one would be different? Idk…hope? And like little warriors, the Gremlins start shooting their poison darts….why haven’t you met…..why does it feel like his hiding you….why so fast and now so slow…..You’re just a stepping stone, stupid idiot…you deserve to be alone. And on, and on they go, until I just want to bash my head against a wall, to shut them up!
The other day, I was sitting in the garden, admiring a shrub and remembering how much my mother loved it…a ‘Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow’ with little white, lilac and purple flowers and I remember how I used to love their smell (when I was still able to smell…) I would love to believe that my tomorrow could be different than my yesterday and today….but sadly, if I remember correctly, all the little flowers smelled the same, even if they were different colours…
