Oh Darling…But What if you Fly?

I’ve always believed that it’s nearly impossible to change after the age of 20. Sure you will grow and transcend through the stages of life, but a complete change? Being a different person and changing part of your personality, that’s ingrained into your being…your soul? I say again (this time with more gusto) … Seems pretty impossible.

Unless (of course) you bump your head, causing a couple of hemorrhages in you frontal lobe… but then again, it would have to be a precise and specific spot, that gets damaged. Why do I then, so badly, want to believe that it can be done? Do I need to believe it, or do I simply not want to admit(to myself), that I don’t give a fuck, and can’t be bothered, whether it can be done or not? After 45 years of going through the motions of life, I do not want to be filled with angst, jealousy and the psycho paranoia, that’s associated with relationships in your teenage years. Been there… Done that… Got a whole wardrobe of t-shirts… Just saying.

Getting back to the subject of changing personality flaws, at a late stage in life. Is it even possible? Come on! Let’s be honest! Will a psychopath or sociopath, ever be able to get rid of the personality traits, that classified them as such? Can a Narcissist suddenly develop sincerity, and learn to care and love someone, other than himself? Can an adulterer, suddenly stop, and be true to one individual?  Am I to believe, that a personality – developed, fed and nurtured, over a span of more than half a decade – can change just like that… Can you see my struggle? Can you grasp my inner turmoil? Especially when this so-called ‘change‘ involves someone I love and care for deeply?

At this moment, I’m  feverishly grabbing at every slither, of an excuse available, in order to convince myself…. that I can believe him… that he is different now….that after nearly 60 years, all his shitty personality traits have vanished? As if waved away by a magical wand… Poof🌪 Or as he claims…he changed by choice and his strong self control will prevent him from doing it again,…..Yes, yes… I know! I’m a stupid, fat, naïve woman, in her forties, and most likely will get burned… Likely??? Most definitely, I will get burned! But still….still I cling to his words, and believe…..

Well, I’m jumping into this with open eyes. Only time will tell. I’ve lived my life by the words CRASH & BURN…lets see what happens. Who knows, maybe I jump and end up flying.