You Can Do It!

Life is awesome! I’m feeling fucking great! And the best of all is that I am (for the first time in over a year!) doing more than just inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide! I’ve got energy again and instead of just procrastinating, I’m cleaning, cooking, moving furniture around….seriously, the bathroom and kitchen are the only rooms, safe from me atm because it’s sort of impossible to switch the bath and toilet around… I want to paint, I want to create, and my head is just bursting with ideas! 

I have been feeling like this for a couple of months now. At first I ignored it, afraid that if I say anything I would jinx it – ain’t OCD just awesome that way🙄 After 3 months I think it’s safe to assume that something is definitely happening in my head. I’ve gone through this hyper I’m fixed-I can do anything-life is beautiful & awesome phases before, only to be disappointed and realise some shit will never change – even with new neuro pathways, I’ll still be different…never a normie again. This present hype feels different though. Best way I can describe it, is that it’s an acknowledgement of some ugly truths regarding my current way of living, my body, and myself but also accepting them, embracing the good still left and building a new foundation. O.k. O.k. I know what you’re thinking (I’m psychic that way😉) why is this going to be different from the previous times I’ve felt this way? You’re just gonna love my answer to that! I just know…o.k! I just know this is real.

A couple of months ago, I hit rock-bottom…again. How many times can one hit that bottom before you shatter into pieces? Anyway, I realised that I won’t be able to continue living like I do, for much longer, which is OK I guess if you’re alone in this world. But I’m not. Desperate and totally fucked, I asked for help for the first time on my own and it made all the difference ❤ I started a list of reachable goals. Things that had to change and if it is not possible to get workable solutions around them. It’s been 6 years so let’s face it – the chances of things going back to normal, or me magically healing are zero to none. I have to find ways to work around my shit. Yeah, I know, it’s sort of common sense and I’ve heard this from countless therapists and specialists, but in my defense, I’m a stubborn bitch that had to come to this conclusion myself…I feel the need to go out and socialise, do stuff, dance, get drunk with friends, laugh again. Great, at least I feel the need to feel alive again, I now just have to figure out how to deal with noise, colours, movement and people😂

So how do I know I will see it through? Well, one of my goals is to live healthier and exercise my muscles, which is getting worse by the day. I hate physical exercise and I loath a gym, full of beautiful, toned bodies sweating all over the place. But you know what…I got a gym membership in any case! It did take me over month to actually start going to the gym. Got a personal trainer to work out a program that will not damage my body even further and he stands right next to me while working out, to make sure I don’t cheat. The other day on the treadmill the trainer saw I was really struggling with a walking exercise, so he said I should rather not do 10 minutes if I feel any pain. I looked at the time, smiled and said “I will make 10 minutes”. I still had another 3 minutes left and I wish I could tell you that I did it like the pro…I counted every second with every step, clenching my teeth, ignoring the pain and gripping the rail to keep my body upright. With every step I said to myself “I WILL do this. I WILL do 10 minutes.” Drops of sweat were falling on the treadmill and I looked like I just got out of the shower. At exactly 10 minutes I stopped and stumbled off the treadmill with weak legs, barely able to stand…

As I walked away, I felt that familiar glow of satisfaction–I DID IT! That voice of determination in my head has been missing for just over 3 years, but somehow it is back! And that’s how I know this hyper feeling is going to be different. That little voice got me walking, forced me to focus and remember, and kept on pushing me, even on days when I was sobbing with pain and exhaustion. I know, I’m going to do this!