Have you ever been in such a good mood and thought to yourself, “You’re too positive, calm the fuck down!” in fear of jinxing it? My good mood (more like a high that I’m feeling) has been going on for way too long now to be considered natural (and no, it’s also not a high from weed). I’m feeling, for lack of a better word….good.
I’m also feeling agitated AF at the same time, and I have not changed meds recently, so that can’t be the cause. It literally feels like there is a tightly wound coil inside me, about to break loose and scatter in all directions. An explosion of sorts, just waiting to happen…. tick, tick, BOOM! Of course, I’m worried. Fuck, it’s usually these moods that I have to watch out for because they cause me to do impulsive and stupid shit! (lack of impulse control and frontal lobe damage) blah, blah, blah… you get what I’m saying. Coming back to the high I’m buzzing on – what an exciting and awesome feeling to “want” to be social, laugh, and dance! Don’t get too excited, though. There is a huge difference between wanting and actually doing something, especially for someone who gets overwhelmed when going to the supermarket. Not only that, but there’s more!!! This morning I experienced that exciting-electric-tingle down my spine for the first time in ages!!! Well, 6 years, but at my age, time is running out and 6 years feels like 6 decades.
For years now I’ve hated to hear the sound of a bike revving or that fierce screaming engine when speeding in the distance…apparently PTSD according to my therapist….which is so unfair as I don’t even remember anything of that night! My body though, remembers and tells the brain to feel scared and anxious, so that I will be aware the situation could be dangerous and be more prepared this time, should anything happen. I experience the same when seeing or hearing ambulances, flashing warning lights, sirens etc. So this tingle I’m talking about, happened when the guy living in the house across from me, started his motorcycle (a nice, new, sleek, blue Suzuki GSXR1000) and instead of that horrid panicky feeling, my heart started skipping beats as I heard that familiar, whining rev filling my soul with a flood of excitement, expectation and memories of legendary adventures. For the first time in 6 years I felt like I used to when hearing a motorcycle…actually missing that feeling of freedom, power and blissful content when riding. Please, please, please let this be a good sign. I don’t want to relapse and fall back into that dark, black hole…it’s scary and lonely there.
What am I saying? I just don’t want to fucking fall. Period. But I have to tell somebody, and sadly, because I’m not yet at a point of being social and normie, I have to do it here and share it with the 2 or 3 people reading this because of some misspent loyalty…idk why, but I’m grateful for that. It makes me just more determined to turn this shit-show around and show you I will become… fuck, can’t believe I’m saying this… a Normie!!!
Something about bikes gets into your soul or your blood,it sounds cliche but it’s not, how many broken injured people do you know personally that got back on the bike as soon as they possiblly could? and the fact that the sound of one made you excited is a very very good thing a step in the right direction back to some sort of normality.🙂