I started this blog (more like a diary to be honest) because I felt the need…a calling if you will. I’m sure my Facebook friends were relieved because I sort of had this thing to ramble on in long extensive posts never getting to a point. At first it was fun, using WordPress and playing around with everything until I was finally Content, and it reflected my style. That was sort of enough… but then I discovered something about myself which I’m shy to admit…a type of egotistical vanity…no one was reading – and it bugged me!
I wanted to vent and rant on…but it’s totally futile, when there is no one listening. I am too shy to randomly say to friends “Here is the web address to my blog…read it”. So, I decided to create a Facebook page to reach at least one soul. Eleven of my friends liked it and I felt so special and overwhelmed!🥰 A little sad as well because some did not even acknowledge its existence…but overall, I was grateful (even though only one actually visited the blog page….) Over and above that, it gave me something to do! To be useful again? Even the Facebook page was delightful – trying to figure stuff out and a nice new experience (over and over again…thanks to my working memory 😂) Random words from a random rabbit, scarred and lost with random little memes and random quotes from cool people 😎 It made me feel less… less useless. I’m still intelligent…or at least, I ‘think’ I am. I can still do certain stuff, but way slower (no really way slower…) I used to be bad at math, but now I suck balls…even with simple adding or subtracting! But my language skills are still intact – Yes, I know. My tenses are atrocious and I fuck up your and you’re at times, but still not too bad…Oh FFS! NO, I don’t feel sorry for myself…It is what it is…I’m just trying to explain how easy it is to get lost and start believing crap like – everybody will be better-off, when I’m no longer around….
In any case…last night an individual commented on my page “Well ramble along…. Show worth before I accept x”. Accept? Excuse me?🤷🏻♀️ 😅 my one friend told me he was going to send invites to others to go and like my page! Worth…interesting word…(mmmm word-worth…urgh! back to the point!! ADD suck!) That word, caused a night of thinking deep thoughts…you know the kind? The one’s where you solve the problems of the universe! What is worth? What is worthy? Am I of worth, if I make you laugh with a silly meme? Am I of worth, if I make you think with an inspirational quote? Am I of worth to other broken souls, who need to know that they are not alone, even if they feel they are the only ones dealing with an invisible disability? Or maybe I’m looking at this at a completely wrong angle 🤔 Is worth actually a monetary value? Because then I’m fucked! I am on disability and can’t earn money anymore! But I do have a little bit going to my daughter’s when I’m gone – does that count for anything? They won’t be millionaires but will at least be able to buy a little home… or party their heart’s out for a good couple of years! Does that make me worthy? You see, now I am exactly at the same point I was in the previous paragraph…everybody will literally be better-off when I’m no longer around…
OMW before anyone panic!! I’m just realising now, that some might read this the wrong way!!! I’m not suicidal and not depressed…they have pills for that now you know 😏 But, I am confused and trying to find my standing in this world… This actually inspired me to create a HUGE rant of gigantic proportions regarding social media and a whole culture that’s developing! I just need to get pissed off enough first before I subject others to it…So what did we learn today children? We learned that if you are looking for worth on any social platform, you might consider rethinking your values….😉
